Surviving Your Overbearing Parents

You’re 17 and love nothing more than hanging out with your friends. Of course your mom doesn’t quite approve of all your friends, in fact your parents don’t quite approve of most of your choices.

Your mom thinks your best friend is a bad influence and your dad thinks you should study medicine instead of art. There’s no denying it, our teenage years come with their fair share of challenges. As much as these are some of the best years of our lives, filled with fun and excitement, throw curfews and a heavy-hand from your parents in the mix and things aren’t always as rosy as you wish they were.

Back in the 80s, DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince released the song ‘Parents Just Don’t Understand’ which just goes to show that teens have been struggling with strict parents for a long time. Whether they are trying to keep us on the straight and narrow by any means necessary or they simply get a kick out of keeping us under house arrest, dealing with them has become something of an art form.

Ndapewa Ipinge shares her story with honesty, humour and heart. “My mom was one of those parents who didn’t allow me to go out or to invite friends over. She would always interrogate my friends and ask them who their parents were. She would literally not give us time to socialise because she would always listen to our conversations,” said Ndapewa. “Every weekend I had to stay home, do the dishes and my homework. Even when I didn’t have homework she would make me read endless chapters in the textbooks just to apparently prepare for the following semester,” she said. When Ndapewa was in Grade 10, she started to understand that the root of her mother’s controlling behaviour was fear. “She was scared that I wouldn’t perform well.” Ndapewa knew that she needed free time to spend with her friends, so she spoke to her aunt.

“I told my aunt that I was unhappy about the way my mom was restricting me,” said Ndapewa. Her aunt spoke to her mother and soon she came around.

“She said I could go out when I didn’t have a lot of work at home but that I should always be responsible.”

Why are some parents overbearing, imposing or filled with unrealistic expectations for their children? Ndeufewa Nakamwe, a mother of one, explained that often parents are overprotective without even realising it but that they should learn to give their children the freedom to be who they want to be and to guide them on what is expected of them so that they don’t become too wild. “Sometimes as parents we become too clingy and don’t allow them to have friends, forgetting that friends are good for them socially. If the child just stays home, they will eventually get lonely and not have social skills,” she said. “We should raise them in a honest manner so that they can approach us openly about relationship issues or any other issues they face,” she said.

Nelja Ndafyaalako, who is also a mother, said that she encourages her child to be independent.

“I always encourage my daughter to do the things she wants to do, as long as it’s safe and she learns valuable lessons from it. I don’t want to tell her what to do most of the time because I’m teaching her to trust herself and to be a responsible adult.” “There are times when she will need to sit down and chat with me but I won’t force her to tag along wherever I go. She needs to make friends and to create bonds with them as well,” Nelja said.

Doreen Epafras, a Life Skills Teacher at Highline Secondary School, shared some ways in which teenagers can deal with their parents. “Talk about your problem with your parents.

They might be overprotective simply because they love you. They tell you what to do and how to do it and should you ask to go somewhere alone with a friend, they may decide to not let you go. If your parents are overprotective, tell them how you feel,” she said.

“They may have some wisdom that you lack, simply due to them being older so just learn to listen to them. You’re a person, just like everyone else, and you deserve your own identity. Learn to work with your parents because most controlling parents are also just human and are simply afraid that you will fail if they don’t help you along the way,” she said.