Unemployment Wars – A State of Emergency

Namibia is facing its biggest crisis since the Caprivi secession attempt and the big drought that left Tate Lukas Pohamba with grey hair. It is Unemployment.

Unemployment has reached staggering levels, especially among the youth. But fear not, comrades and foes. The government has a solution. They are going to declare a state of emergency on youth unemployment. The project code name will be ‘Our Time to Eat Volume 2’.

Yes, you heard it right!

The magic words “STATE OF EMERGENCY” will be invoked in a rhythmic chant. A wand made of stolen copper wire will be waved, the tailbone of a frog from Oshana will be burned for the ash to be smeared behind the ears of Tate Geingob, and POOF! … jobs will manifest.

Since Kadhila Amoomo suggested this, nobody is asking the pertinent questions. So let me have a go at it.

What does declaring a state of emergency on youth unemployment entail? Will we introduce curfew for the unemployed? Will the unemployed people be forced to wear ankle bracelets and be tracked by the government?

Perhaps the army will be deployed to go door-to-door and force companies to hire more people. They would also distribute the drought relief food packs, right? After all, what could go wrong with the army being involved in civilian matters?

And let us not forget about the investors. Those sneaky bastards have been hoarding their money under their pillows instead of investing it in the economy. Will they all be arrested and be forced to open factories and create jobs?

Maybe the government can borrow more money to pay the salaries of an extra 100 000 Namibians until the state goes bankrupt. Who needs a functioning economy anyway? The future will sort itself out.

But wait, has anyone ever declared a state of emergency over unemployment before? How did that go?

Oh wait, I remember that Tipeeg was for the same purpose, but we f@#*ed that up really well. Did we not?

The Targeted Intervention Programme for Employment and Economic Growth was created by the Namibian government to address unemployment and poverty in the country. The programme was to create employment opportunities through the implementation of various projects in different sectors of the economy, such as agriculture, tourism and manufacturing.

That smelled like a goat ram’s balls all the way to the end of its miserable life. And now the great Kadhila Amoomo is suggesting another ‘It is our time to eat’ scheme.

On Facebook, Robert Kells Kabuga once wrote: “We have blueprint documents or programs in Namibia such among others NDPs, Vision 2030, Tipeeg, HPP, Mass Housing, etc all with overlapping objectives but we have failed dismally in the implementation side.”

The problem is that nobody listens to the unknowns such as Robert Kells Kabuga, and this person has probably forgotten what they wrote on 5 August 2020 because they know that nobody would care. But I do, Kells, I do.

Can we ever do the right things the right way at all?

But now that I think a little more about this, may I suggest that instead of declaring a state of emergency on youth unemployment, perhaps we should declare a state of emergency over the stupidity of some Namibians suggesting horrible ideas. How about we round them up and make them watch endless reruns of African Movies until they come up with better ideas? Or better yet, give them a one-way ticket to the Namib Desert and force them to eat sand until they learn to grow potatoes.

In conclusion, I can only say in Afrikaans: “Noodtoestand Se Moer!”

Ons moet eers f@#*en dink!