Amupanda Is Not Scary But This Agreement Is

Remember the good old days when the mere utterance of Job Amupanda’s name sent shivers down our spines?

Those days when he spoke, and we all braced ourselves for the impending chaos, like preparing for a sandstorm at Dune 7?

Well, those days now seem as distant as a DStv subscription that promises new content but delivers reruns of the same old stuff. We used to think we needed the entire bouquet, but now we’re not so sure.

When I saw Amupanda doing his best drama queen impersonation, claiming to expose a top-secret agreement between Namibia and the European Union (EU), I thought: “I should really despise our leaders for keeping such a crucial matter hidden from us.” But then, lo and behold, I stumbled upon the document online, and I realised it was a secret only because it was hidden in a place I rarely venture.

So, is Amupanda endorsing the age-old saying that goes, “If you want to hide something from Africans, put it on the internet,” or perhaps the one that says, “If you want to make them feel betrayed, use impeccable English”?

All this has led me to ponder if the bogeyman is truly scary or if it’s just as scared of the dark as it wants to keep us. Maybe it’s trying to take our place in the light. I’m still not sure whether the bogeyman feeds on fear or ignorance.

Nonetheless, let’s raise a bottle of Zorba for Amupanda, because without him we might not even know that this ‘secret’ agreement had gone digital. He uncovered it at what looked like an illicit mining operation, but hey, a revelation is a revelation.

So, I embarked on my journey through the maze of information, delving into the document’s intricate details. It struck me that this agreement could easily be seen as a replacement for a few of those bilateral agreements that have been gathering dust between the EU and African, Caribbean, and Pacific states.

The document itself isn’t particularly lengthy, but it seems designed for the ageing eyes of octogenarian African leaders. Still, the title is a tongue-twister that leaves you wondering if it’s an international treaty or a convoluted legal thriller: “Partnership Agreement between the EU and its Member States, of the one part, and the Members of the Organisation of African, Caribbean, and Pacific States, on the other part.”

Why not just call it “The Scam”?

Let’s dive into some of the ‘scary’ parts of this document, shall we?

“The parties shall aim to enhance social cohesion by progressively achieving greater equality and social inclusiveness and by […] allowing for better redistribution of wealth, ensuring adequate levels of social expenditure and reducing the informal economy.”

Hold on, now I’m genuinely terrified. Are they suggesting that one way to enhance social cohesion is to obliterate the kapana industry, those food trailers on our pavements, and the local ‘order by me’ rackets?

Perhaps Amupanda has a point, and the devil is in the document’s details. After all, we’ve already witnessed towns clearing out the memes and okes who sell essentials on the streets and those delectable burger vans at Swakopmund’s beaches.

Oh, the uncertainty! I thought I had an opportunity to mock Amupanda with this one, but the more I delved into this document, the more I felt like a character in a horror movie exploring a haunted house on Penning Street, uncovering unsettling secrets in every chapter, annexure and schedule.

It’s a real thriller, and it’s leaving me aghast.

In the end, one thing’s for sure: Amupanda might be losing his knack for the spooky, but this agreement? Well, it’s giving us all the creeps as we dissect it chapter by chapter, annexure by schedule.