Big Brother Africa: Dude, where’s my entertainment?

WORTHY? Deserving?? Am I having a paranormal moment here, or what? Where the hell are Mulder and Scully when you need them? Are these really the type of housemates who make a reality show rock.

‘Worthy’ people performing domestic chores? Or ‘deserving’ people who cook? Gadzooks. You better bla(h)thering believe it!! Great swathes of viewers across Africa are shouting the odds on the virtues of who cleans, who cooks and who’s trying to cook the show.Hella! And here I was thinking that I was watching Big Brother Africa, not ‘So You Think You Can Cook’, ‘Strictly Come Sleep’ or ‘Domestic Worker of the Month’.What the blah! Give me the riotous over the so-called righteous any day! I want entertainment.E.N.T.E.R.T.A.I.N.M.E.N.T with a frigging capital E.Bring it on Lerato! The ghetto-licious one has moved into no-nonsense gear.”I’m not going to walk on eggshells any more,” Lerato told Bertha this week.Good start, girl, but it’s just not good enough.You need to get out your camo fatigues, put on your Doc Martens and KICK ASS! Take off the kid gloves (hey, I know Richie’s a kid, but still …) and give us bare-knuckled action.It’s SMACKDOWN time.Leave track marks where they hurt! Even on Rich’s pride and joy if necessary.B GETS HER BUZZ ON While in dreadlock territory, let me make a bit of a U-turn, actually a whopper of a U-turn.I hate to break this to all those mesmerised Richiana fans out there: forget Tati, the real love of Rich’s life is his ‘third man’.Admit it, peeps.You’ve been caught with your pants down! Blinded by the potion of the shower hour motion.Aitsa!! Back to reality.Even Bertha, aka B, made my day this week, when she got her freak on after Maureen had another mini hyperventilation moment.I think being Head of House has really gone to the slender Ugandan’s head.Apart from being a serial blah-er, Mini Mo now seems to think she’s a permanent member of the United Nations Security Council judging by the way she was vetoing ideas for tasks suggested by the ‘Big Two’! Ai, Maureen, what do you keep in that hot-water bottle? Yeah, Big B, for once I was batting on your side! Personally, I would not have been so patient.I would have reached for the nearest spray can of Doom.The sweetest thing was the conversation between Code and Maureen later – yes, when they were once again thermo-balling in bed.I really stood up to them, our Mo proudly told Code.”I told them.”No, Maureen, you didn’t stand up to them, you spoke back.PARANOIDS & PARAVOIDS The ‘big 5 (4)’, THE ‘Big 5’?! WHAT ‘Big 5;’?? What a misnomer! Puuuuuhleeeze.They give dull a bad name.Shem! They’ve become so tedious I’m starting to think debating Justice would be fun.I mean compared to the entertainment-challenged coalition of couples, he could top the bill at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas.Aaaah, Gary ‘maJustus’ Glitter!! OK, Nekka’s got a bit more gristle and bristle than the four divided into two, and I kind of have up-and-down Tati moments, but for the rest …Code and Maureen and Rich and Tati are forever thermo-balling, though I think Richiana are also busy staking a claim in the hammock industry – options, peeps, options.I have a feeling that Biggie and I are on the same wavelength.As I see it, the nerd herd, aka the kamumblers, or the spuriously so-called ‘Big 5’, are becoming the root cause of a failed state: the action is withering away and dying.As a result, Biggie’s tried to infuse some life into the house through the fake evictions and pulling a ‘Home Alone’ (thanks Segololo!) move on the housies this week.But the paranoids and parazoids are having none of it.It’s a plot, a devilish plot, to keep Lerato or Bertha, or whoever offends the double-standard paravoids, in the house.Talk about double standards: Code and Maureen gossip, the parazoids say they’re discussing.Lerato and Bertha discuss, the paranoids say they’re gossiping.Eish! BRING ON THE REVOLUTION! And there are those out there who really have it in for Lerato.I’m actually surprised they haven’t called for the death penalty yet.L’s a “disgrace”, a “shame”, “revolting”! Yes, Lerato is revolting.She’s revolting against the dictatorship of the majority! As Thomas Jefferson said, a little rebellion is a good thing.More than a good thing in this case.In her riposte to the L-haters on her hot BBA blog, Segololo headlined with: ‘OK, I like Lerato.So sue me.’ You go, gal.Great slogan for a t-shirt! Bully for Lerato and Bertha for running their mouths.That’s upfront.Not all that ‘silent’ beefing by the bully-beefers.Bring it on babes.Make my day.If you’re gonna go down, go down with all guns blazing! KWAKU, KWAKU! In other news this week, Kwaku had a Kaku moment while chatting it up with Nekka in the Penthouse.You know, Charley, like the girls in the house are panting for me! They’ve been running after me, ya’know.Our poor unwilling Ghanaian! I’m about out of time and space, so I’ll leave my take on this to another day.But at least he had the grace to say he really liked Meryl.So do we, Kwaku, so do we! * Catch all the BBA2 action on Channel 37, DStv.You better bla(h)thering believe it!! Great swathes of viewers across Africa are shouting the odds on the virtues of who cleans, who cooks and who’s trying to cook the show.Hella! And here I was thinking that I was watching Big Brother Africa, not ‘So You Think You Can Cook’, ‘Strictly Come Sleep’ or ‘Domestic Worker of the Month’.What the blah! Give me the riotous over the so-called righteous any day! I want entertainment.E.N.T.E.R.T.A.I.N.M.E.N.T with a frigging capital E.Bring it on Lerato! The ghetto-licious one has moved into no-nonsense gear.”I’m not going to walk on eggshells any more,” Lerato told Bertha this week.Good start, girl, but it’s just not good enough.You need to get out your camo fatigues, put on your Doc Martens and KICK ASS! Take off the kid gloves (hey, I know Richie’s a kid, but still …) and give us bare-knuckled action.It’s SMACKDOWN time.Leave track marks where they hurt! Even on Rich’s pride and joy if necessary. B GETS HER BUZZ ON While in dreadlock territory, let me make a bit of a U-turn, actually a whopper of a U-turn.I hate to break this to all those mesmerised Richiana fans out there: forget Tati, the real love of Rich’s life is his ‘third man’.Admit it, peeps.You’ve been caught with your pants down! Blinded by the potion of the shower hour motion.Aitsa!! Back to reality.Even Bertha, aka B, made my day this week, when she got her freak on after Maureen had another mini hyperventilation moment.I think being Head of House has really gone to the slender Ugandan’s head.Apart from being a serial blah-er, Mini Mo now seems to think she’s a permanent member of the United Nations Security Council judging by the way she was vetoing ideas for tasks suggested by the ‘Big Two’! Ai, Maureen, what do you keep in that hot-water bottle? Yeah, Big B, for once I was batting on your side! Personally, I would not have been so patient.I would have reached for the nearest spray can of Doom.The sweetest thing was the conversation between Code and Maureen later – yes, when they were once again thermo-balling in bed.I really stood up to them, our Mo proudly told Code.”I told them.”No, Maureen, you didn’t stand up to them, you spoke back. PARANOIDS & PARAVOIDS The ‘big 5 (4)’, THE ‘Big 5’?! WHAT ‘Big 5;’?? What a misnomer! Puuuuuhleeeze.They give dull a bad name.Shem! They’ve become so tedious I’m starting to think debating Justice would be fun.I mean compared to the entertainment-challenged coalition of couples, he could top the bill at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas.Aaaah, Gary ‘maJustus’ Glitter!! OK, Nekka’s got a bit more gristle and bristle than the four divided into two, and I kind of have up-and-down Tati moments, but for the rest …Code and Maureen and Rich and Tati are forever thermo-balling, though I think Richiana are also busy staking a claim in the hammock industry – options, peeps, options.I have a feeling that Biggie and I are on the same wavelength.As I see it, the nerd herd, aka the kamumblers, or the spuriously so-called ‘Big 5’, are becoming the root cause of a failed state: the action is withering away and dying.As a result, Biggie’s tried to infuse some life into the house through the fake evictions and pulling a ‘Home Alone’ (thanks Segololo!) move on the housies this week.But the paranoids and parazoids are having none of it.It’s a plot, a devilish plot, to keep Lerato or Bertha, or whoever offends the double-standard paravoids, in the house.Talk about double standards: Code and Maureen gossip, the parazoids say they’re discussing.Lerato and Bertha discuss, the paranoids say they’re gossiping.Eish! BRING ON THE REVOLUTION! And there are those out there who really have it in for Lerato.I’m actually surprised they haven’t called for the death penalty yet.L’s a “disgrace”, a “shame”, “revolting”! Yes, Lerato is revolting.She’s revolting against the dictatorship of the majority! As Thomas Jefferson said, a little rebellion is a good thing.More than a good thing in this case.In her riposte to the L-haters on her hot BBA blog, Segololo headlined with: ‘OK, I like Lerato.So sue me.’ You go, gal.Great slogan for a t-shirt! Bully for Lerato and Bertha for running their mouths.That’s upfront.Not all that ‘silent’ beefing by the bully-beefers.Bring it on babes.Make my day.If you’re gonna go down, go down with all guns blazing! KWAKU, KWAKU! In other news this week, Kwaku had a Kaku moment while chatting it up with Nekka in the Penthouse.You know, Charley, like the girls in the house are panting for me! They’ve been running after me, ya’know.Our poor unwilling Ghanaian! I’m about out of time and space, so I’ll leave my take on this to another day.But at least he had the grace to say he really liked Meryl.So do we, Kwaku, so do we! * Catch all the BBA2 action on Channel 37, DStv.