Namibian Sport Codes for the Olympics

As I write this, Namibia has not won a single medal at the 2024 Olympics in France.

The way I see it, the sport codes we are good in, such as purse and mobile phone snatching, mob beatings on old women accused of witchcraft, the political party switching dash and keyboard warrior athletics, are not in the Olympics.

The main event where Namibia can really win is the ‘Golf Mirror Snatching’, which involves the speed and agility required to steal mirrors off parked VW Golfs and running to never be caught.

Now, I’m not saying Namibians are inherently criminal or violent. It’s just that these particular talents seem to be in abundance.

Imagine a Namibian sprinter in the 100m. Instead of Usain Bolt-like grace, they’d be dodging potholes, stray dogs and the occasional angry shopkeeper at China Town. The hurdles would be replaced by open manholes and a corrugated iron shack right there where it does not belong.

Try to imagine this: the Olympic stadium is abuzz with anticipation as team Namibia supporters wave their flags.

The crowd roars as the starting gun fires. Instead of sprinters, we have a line of competitors eyeing a row of gleaming VW Golfs. This is the final of the Golf Mirror Snatching event.

Our Namibian hopeful, let’s call him Kid Kapango, stands ready. He’s lean, agile and has eyes that could spot a shiny object a kilometre away. The signal is given, and he’s off. With a blur of motion, he’s at the first Golf.

Two swift tugs, and the mirrors are free. He slips them into a specially designed, aerodynamic pouch strapped to his thigh.
But this isn’t just about speed. It’s about strategy.

As Kid Kapango makes his way back to the finish line, he must navigate a complex obstacle course: overzealous security guards, angry car owners and, most importantly, the shanty town back routes. This is where the real test of skill lies.

With a precision honed from years of practice, Kid Kapango disappears into the endlessness of shacks and makeshift structures.

Here, he’s in his element. He knows every alley, every hiding spot and every urine-filled pothole he must avoid.

The mirrors, once symbols of luxury, become currency in this world. He can trade them for food, shelter or even information.

When the dust settles, Kid Kapango emerges from Okahandja Park, with a satisfied grin on his face. He’s not just a gold medallist; he’s a community hero. He’s proven that even in the harshest conditions, talent and ingenuity can triumph. And as he stands on the podium, the world finally recognises the extraordinary skills of the Namibian people.

There are other sport codes we would win, hands down ‘Queue Jumping’ as well. Imagine a Namibian athlete weaving through a crowd of impatient pensioners at the post office, their elbows sharp as a knife.

Or how about ‘Traffic Light Ignoring’? This would test not only speed but also an uncanny ability to predict the actions of other drivers. It’s a skill honed to perfection in our daily commutes.

Then there’s the potential for a Namibian gold in the ‘Alcohol Consumption Marathon’. Now, this is a sport where Namibia would truly excel.

The Alcohol Consumption Marathon would test not just endurance but also mental fortitude, balance and an uncanny ability to carry on a conversation while heavily intoxicated.

Imagine a course winding through a desert landscape, with checkpoints serving up local brews and spirits. Competitors would be judged on consumption speed, creativity in drinking vessels (think recycled containers) and the ability to maintain a standing position.

Of course, there would be strict rules against driving, but stumbling and singing would be encouraged.

The winner would be the last person standing and able to form a coherent sentence. This would surely be the true test of Namibian spirit, resilience and, let’s be honest, a celebration of our national pastime.

The International Olympic Committee needs to wake up and smell the tombo brew. It’s time to recognise the true athleticism of the Namibian people.

I propose a new Olympic category – the African Survival Challenge.

It would include events like ‘Hippo Wrestling’, ‘Snake Dodging’ and ‘Cash-in-Transit Robbery Avoidance’. Namibia would clean up. We’d be the Michael Phelps of the savanna.

Of course, I believe in the current team, no question about that as it is the most patriotic thing to do.

But I am a realist and would rather encourage our participation in games I know we are built for while waiting for a medal from Paris.

While it appears we may not be winning any gold medals in traditional sports in the Olympics, we have a wealth of talent in other areas. It’s time for the world to open its eyes and see the true spirit of competition in Namibia. Viva Namibia.