Married but Living Single

Written By: Tengovandu Kandetu

Truth be told, many marriages are under tremendous pressure and couples grow apart as a result.

Lack of fulfilment and discontent has become the new norm in the blissful covenant that marriage is meant to be. It should not be so.

Truth be told, no marriage is immune to challenges. The grass always seems greener over there… but work on yours to green it.

If not carefully addressed, several factors may result in couples living in lonely marriages.

These include, in no particular order:

• When limiting beliefs from your past play a part in your marriage;
• When a couple is not deliberate and intentional about making time for one another;
• When the marriage relationship becomes transactional; it’s no longer about the happiness and togetherness of two individuals in the marriage;
• When couples hide behind social media for companionship, especially when screen time creeps into the bedroom;
• When bedrooms become boardrooms;
• When couples chase competing visions, interests and purposes;
• When emotional, physical and other intimate interactions are rationed by either spouse;
• When the discipline of children is skewed towards one parent;
• When the need for one another is eroded by marital challenges;
• When free, honest, open and transparent communication is dwarfed;
• When you need to book appointments to communicate with your spouse;
• When you’re fighting your battles by yourself;
• When you are still searching and your eyes are all over the place while married;
• When you are drinking water from wells and cisterns other than your own;
• When the couple belong to different denominations and/or religions.
  The list is not exhaustive, though.

ASSESSING YOUR MARRIAGE

Marriages are called to be fruitful in all areas.
To assess the fruitfulness of our marriages, let’s consider the parable of the sower.
The seeds represent the various aspects of the marriage covenant (love, communication, trust, intimacy, etc) and the soil represents how the couple receive and nurture the seeds planted in the marriage.  
The seeds that fall by the wayside equate to marriages where couples always had hardened hearts towards one another but married for “wrong” reasons.
The seeds in these marriages are eaten by life’s challenges before the couple would leave and cleave to become one flesh.
Marriages on rocky ground signify a covenant where couples welcome it with excitement. 
Usually, such a marriage lacks substantial roots to support it against life challenges.
The commitment is shallow and the couple is looking for the first justification to break the covenant.
The third type of marriage is sown among thorns.
The requisite seeds (love, communication, trust, intimacy, etc) exist but are soon choked by the worries and superficial pleasures and delights of life, thus yielding no fruit.
These marriages succumb to external distractions with ease.
The final marriage is sown on good soil and yield much fruit.
The couples drink from the same fountain, worship the same God, raise their children together, and share the same vision.
A cleaving exists between them and together they withstand the storms of life.

FIGHT OR FLIGHT

Take away the dross from silver, and it will go the silversmith for jewellery.
Most marriages have the potential to be rescued provided the couple put in the commitment for transformation. 
Couples on the brink of divorce can fall in love all over again with the right support, the right tools, and the right mindset.
Rather than resorting to fight or flight, couples can choose to stay present and engaged with each other to face the Goliath confronting their covenant.
Be of one mind and observe the challenges through the same lens. 
In doing so, couples can address the conflict together, without creating more damage by attacking each other.
In a place of openness and forgiveness, conflict can become a vehicle for closeness in marriages.

BUILDING A STRONG MARRIAGE

In computer science, we were introduced to the term, “garbage in, garbage out” (Gigo).
Applied to marriage, the results or quality of your marriage depend largely on your input to the marriage covenant.
Change your input in order to expect a better output.
Also, we should advocate for open platforms where marital challenges are openly discussed, without prejudice.

– Tengovandu Kandetu is a Wellness Coach at The Kingdom School of Life