Serious Buyers Only: Facebook Marketplace Disasters in Namibia

Let me walk you through this puzzling marketplace, where the only thing for sale seems to be your sanity.

Am I the only one disturbed by the abuse of would-be buyers by sellers on Facebook Marketplace in Namibia?

Let’s discuss the notorious phrase “Only serious buyers!” on Facebook listings.

Can someone educate me on what exactly constitutes a serious buyer? Am I expected to show up at the seller’s doorstep in a three-piece suit, a briefcase filled with neatly stacked bills and a notarised letter of intent?

Or perhaps, send a warm essay explaining how the vintage toaster they’re selling will change my life? The irony, of course, is that sellers who bark “serious buyers only” are often the least serious people you’ll ever come across.

Take the example of the mysterious car listings. You’ve seen them: A bad photo of a vehicle’s steering wheel, one close-up of a dirty engine bay, and a blurry side profile. The cherry on top? A description so vague it’s almost poetic: “Very clean car. Owned by lady.”

That’s it.

Forget the make, model, mileage, transmission type or engine capacity – none of that trivial stuff. All you need to know is that a “lady” once drove this mysterious metal box.

And yet, these same sellers have the audacity to demand “serious” buyers only.

Then, imagine me, the so-called “serious” buyer, attempting to extract essential details through a polite message: “Hi, could you please provide the make and model of the car?” The response? A cryptic “Call me, here’s my number.”

Because why should we adhere to Facebook’s fraud prevention advice of keeping communication on the platform? And then you realise the car does not even belong to the seller. They are working for a commission.

It’s not just cars but everything from used shoes to home appliances. There it is: a picture of a recently cleaned microwave that looks like it survived Y2K.

The caption reads: “Works well. Serious buyers only.”

Now, I’m not sure about you, but if I’m expected to fork over cash for a relic that could pass for an artefact, I’d appreciate a little more context. Does it come with a warranty? Will it explode if I try to reheat my coffee? Can I make pap in this very serious-looking device?

But if you dare to ask these very ‘serious’ questions, the seller will respond with all the enthusiasm of a bored teenager: “Yes, it’s fine.” Or something helpful like “the owner is leaving the country”.

But let’s switch to a different breed of seller: the ones who think “DM for price” is the height of marketing strategy.

Tell me, why should I slide into your DMs just to learn that the “vintage” office chair you posted is priced like it was blessed by royalty?

The whole point of listing items on a marketplace is to include vital details upfront, yet here we are, performing a digital dance of shy replies and mysterious pricing.

You ask for the brand of a car, and they hit you with “lady-driven” as if that answers your question.

You ask about the condition of a second-hand refrigerator, and they throw in “Good machine. Very Cold”.

This only leaves you wondering if this means that it cools food or that it won’t burst into flames the moment you plug it in.

What really seals the deal is when these evil sellers post a follow-up comment: “Still available due to time wasters.”

Og, the irony. They’ve wasted your time with riddles, forced you to chase down basic information, and potentially left you questioning the meaning of life.

But no, it is due to the time waster that the rust can is still on the market.

The next time you see “serious buyers only”, take a deep breath, give a sarcastic salute, and keep scrolling.

Because sometimes, the only serious thing about Facebook Marketplace is the serious lack of sense.