A New Era for Namibia: Serious Changes Coming

I told you things were going to change with a female president. As expected, the nation has already started sketching a new logo for the Office of the First Lady of Namibia.

Although first gentleman of Namibia seemed like a logical choice, the abbreviation – FGON – sounded a bit like the noise you’d make after choking on mopane worms. So, we’ve settled on something more palatable: Office of the Personal and Intimate Affairs of the President at the Expense of Namibians (OPIAPEN). It’s neutral, diplomatic, and reads like the waste of resources it is designed to be.

But the changes don’t stop there. As Namibians prepare for this historical transition, here’s a glimpse into the swift changes awaiting us…

State House: A Feminine Touch with a Military Edge

The office formerly known as Flon (first lady of Namibia) is long overdue for a makeover. Those teddy bears and pastel cushions that used to scream ‘Welcome to Auntie’s House’ are being packed up and donated to orphanages. In their place? Expect hunting regalia, kudu horns and walls adorned with springbok heads, just to assert that the ‘first dude’ isn’t here to play.

Meanwhile, the president herself, known for her military past, will certainly demand an all-female protection detail. It will be boots, sunglasses, black suits – ready to protect and slay in equal measure. A few token men will be included in the team, but only to ensure the convoy cars are washed.

A Man Cave Fit for the First Dude

Back at State House, the first gentleman will require a proper sanctuary in the form of a man cave. Picture a room equipped with leather couches, a minibar stocked with top-shelf whisky, and a table sturdy enough for a 20-strong crowd to play cards and exchange tips on surviving life as Namibia’s ‘second citizen’.

An Owela table will be included at the rear end of the cave. Protocol will be strictly followed, of course: no shouting, no chewing loudly, and absolutely no discussing policies after 22h00.

A Decline in Feminist Movements

With a woman at the helm, some might say feminism has achieved its ultimate goal in Namibia. The ultra-radical slogans of yesteryear, like ‘Smash the Patriarchy!’, will likely be replaced with gentler, celebratory chants like, ‘We Smashed It!’.

Feminist leaders might even take a well-deserved sabbatical to focus on hobbies like crochet or writing memoirs about the struggle.

Enter the Men’s Rights Movement (MRM): a new wave of activism by men advocating for their rights under this revolutionary regime. High on their agenda will be critical issues such as the right to leave the toilet seat up, an end to judgement over beer bellies, and mandatory appreciation for dad jokes.

Their slogan? ‘Equality Includes Us Too!’ and ‘We are all Equal, Top to Bottom!’

I predict the start of the ‘Pink is the New Patriarchy’ movement to highlight the plight of men who … (complete the sentence in the name of freedom of speech; I promise you won’t be suspended).

Policy Changes That Hit Close to Home

Namibia’s new leadership will likely introduce a slate of policies aimed at creating a kinder, more organised society. For example, a new workplace culture known as the “compliment a colleague” hour will be mandated every Friday, ensuring that everyone feels appreciated. This is not so much because we have a caring woman at the steering wheel but because, let’s admit, we all long for a kinder society.

Fashion Takes Centre Stage

Namibians can also expect a fashion revolution. The president’s impeccable style, grace and functionality will inspire new trends. Corporate attire will shift to include bright colours and statement accessories, while military uniforms might start featuring beads for special occasions.

The first gentleman, meanwhile, is set to redefine Namibian masculinity. Think tailored suits paired with traditional Namibian beads and leather, a confident stride and just the right amount of cologne.

If you hear the term “State House Chic” in the coming months, you’ll know where it started. Katutura Fashion Week is set to be redefined for sure.

Namibians Brace for Change

While some may resist these changes, most Namibians are ready to embrace them with open arms (and maybe a slight chuckle). After all, we’ve always been a nation that thrives on adaptability. A word of caution, however, is not to be ridiculous and expect rubbish just because she is a woman. Because at the end of the day, she will be running a country and not your fantasies. Besides, she is not known for jokes like that.