A Slightly Less Tragic Look at Divorce

Hello, land of divorces. Land of dramatic newspaper headlines filled with tales of women demanding enough spousal maintenance to make a king fart.

In this Namibia, if body parts were detachable, women would even claim your private bits as part of the divorce settlement.

Hold on there, ladies, before you declare me a sexist. We’re taking a light-hearted look at what our Namibian grooms-turned-bachelors might be taking away from a marital split these days. Because, let’s face it, those “for richer or poorer” vows seem to have a permanent case of “richer for her” in Namibia.

But fear not, Namibian men! Just because your marriage went the way of a half-eaten bag of pap doesn’t mean you have to walk away empty-handed (besides the emotional baggage, of course).

Here are some clauses to consider for the divorce settlement (with a wink):

Clause 1: Culinary Rehab

Admit it, some of us entered marriage with no idea what good home-cooked food tastes like. Over the years, her pap en vleis became legendary, leaving your taste buds permanently spoiled. Now facing bachelorhood and instant noodles, the ‘Culinary Rehab’ clause ensures your ex prepares you a home-cooked meal once a month for five years. Think of it as culinary rehab to ease you back into the world of frozen food without a complete taste bud meltdown.

Clause 2: Kapunda to Six-Pack Maintenance

The kapunda ( belly) might have been a source of gentle mocking from your ex. But those “weekend walks” and the passive-aggressive treadmill have paid off! Now you’re rocking a physique Zeus would envy. The ‘Kapunda to Six-Pack Maintenance’ clause demands that your ex contribute half your gym membership for two years. Think of it as an investment in your well-being (and a hilarious reminder that nagging has unintended consequences).

Clause 3: Temporary Friend Transfer

Remember that when you met your ex-wife, you had friends that have now all disappeared. Her circle of friends has become your only friends and family, as she alienated you from your true buddies. Relationships can be a social package deal. Now you face rebuilding your social life. The ‘Temporary Friend Transfer’ clause grants you access to a set number of social gatherings with your ex’s friend group for a year. Think of it as a social safety net for easing back into the dating pool (or the braai scene). Just remember, these gatherings are strictly platonic (wink wink).

Clause 4: Post-Nuptial Nuzzles (Emotional Well-Being Only!)

Okay, hear me out! The ‘Post-Nuptial Nuzzles (For Emotional Well-Being Only)’ clause would state that your ex is obligated to a set number of “non-romantic, stress-relieving encounters” per quarter for six months. It’s purely scientific, of course, an “emotional support system” to ease you back into the dating pool. Let’s just say any judge would laugh out loud at the very thought but deep down, they too wish it was possible. Just try, my friend, you never know which way the judge would swing.

Clause 5: Grandmotherly Gastronomy (For Family Harmony)

Ah, grandmothers. They love us unconditionally. Now, your dear granny thinks the world of your ex-wife, especially her legendary pumpkin soup. The thought of breaking her heart with the news of your divorce disaster and depriving her of the soup is unthinkable.

Therefore, the ‘Grandmotherly Gastronomy’ clause (purely hypothetical) states that your ex, out of kindness (and strategic silence), agrees to continue visiting your grandmother at least every five months with a pot of her famous soup.

Think of it as a peace treaty for granny, while you buy time to break the news. Just be prepared for a lecture (and maybe a wooden spoon!) when the news, eventually, comes out.

Remember, Namibian men, these clauses are for humour. While you can’t enforce a ‘stress-relieving encounter’, for old time’s sake, a touch of humour can go a long way during a difficult time. So, negotiate with courage and remember, a good divorce settlement leaves both parties able to face the future with a smile (and maybe a braai to celebrate your independence).

As for the ladies, before you start sharpening your kitchen knives and accusing this article of being a one-sided braai-fuelled fantasy, remember, divorce is a complicated dance with two partners (and hopefully no lawyers with questionable dance moves).

This is just a peek at the (slightly exaggerated) hopes of Namibian bachelors-to-be. Who knows, maybe you can use these clauses as inspiration for your own ‘Slightly Less Dramatic Demands for Emotional Support Llamas’ clause. After all, a good divorce settlement is like a perfect potjie, with a little bit of everything for everybody involved.