A Survival Guide for Incoming MPs: What to Leave at Home

Congratulations, honourable members-to-be! You have made it to parliament, the grandest stage of political theatre, where the actors are well-paid, the scripts are improvised, and the plot never thickens.

Before you take your oath and settle into your plush seats, let’s go over a few things you should absolutely leave at home to avoid turning the next five years into another season of the same tragicomedy. This might be satire, but you will do well to take it seriously.

1. The Art of Asking Questions You Should Already Know the Answer To

Nothing quite says “I don’t know what my job is” like standing up in parliament and asking, “honourable minister, why is there no water in my village?” when you just drove past the ministry’s regional office. Why take the straightforward route when you can waste a few million in sitting allowances and turn a genuine concern into an award-winning performance in the theatre of the absurd?

As a member of parliament (MP), your job is to craft laws and policies, not to act confused about government functions. So please, before you stand up to “raise concern”, ask yourself: is this something I could have resolved with a simple phone call to the relevant office? If yes, sit down.

Well, of course, unless the problem can be solved with a law made by lawmakers in the lawmaking assembly. Og!

2. Sleeping Beauty and the Snoring Beasts

If you have trouble staying awake at work, you might be in the wrong profession. The nation is watching, and nothing is more embarrassing than being caught on camera taking an unscheduled nap while your fellow honourables debate. That is, of course, if they are actually debating anything meaningful and not just recycling speeches from 1995.

If you’re prone to dozing off, perhaps invest in some strong coffee. Better yet, use the gym in that building, see a doctor and try sleeping early for the job that earns you good money.

Trust us, the taxpayers who fund your salary would appreciate the effort.

3. The Sacred Art of Useless Motions

Incoming MPs, please don’t waste our time with motions that add zero value to national progress. We’ve seen too many of your predecessors table motions about cartoons, the dangers of imported moralities and other distractions while actual pressing issues like unemployment and the economy remain sidelined.

How on earth does a lawmaker think the independence of the ombudsman’s office will promote bestiality? Tell me, what are some people feeding on that their brains now have that oatmeal-like texture?

We understand grandstanding is fun, but unless you’re proposing something that will genuinely improve lives, keep it to yourself.

And no, honourable, not every new bill is a secret Western plot to bring homosexuality and “objectophilia”.

4. Laws That Exist Only on Paper

If you’re going to pass laws, ensure they are actually enforced. Namibia is littered with laws that exist only in theory because no one thought about how they would be implemented.

Before you propose another grand regulation, ask: Who will enforce this? How? With what resources?

It’s all well and good to pass a law requiring every taxi in Namibia to be painted yellow, but did anyone think that too many yellow cars on our roads will cause wildfires? Besides, how much will it costs? Who will regulate it? What will happen to all the other yellow cars on our roads? If you don’t have the answers, shut up and sit down!

5. Parliament is Not a Radio Talk Show

Parliament is not a space to vent about how kids today have no respect, how social media is destroying society, or how foreigners are corrupting our culture. If you’re going to stand up and speak, make it count. Otherwise, you might as well be a guest caller on a late-night radio show.

You know nobody listens to you in your own house unless you are announcing allowances, asking them to pack the groceries away or asking them to get dressed for an exciting trip. You have tried to threaten them with violence and they will stand there, pretend to hear you, then go out and break the same rules.

It is the same here – speak only if you have something worthy of the taxpayers’ time and money to say.

By the way, if you know you are about to brutally violate the King’s language, ask for a translator service and speak your own language. That service is available. There are probably staff in that building for that purpose who now get paid for making copies.

6. This is Not a Five-Year Paid Vacation

Parliament is not just a place to collect a salary or subsistence and travel allowance while delivering the occasional dramatic speech. It’s a responsibility. You are not here to warm the seat, nap and occasionally rise to shout party slogans.

For goodness sake, be someone your village will celebrate when your time is up.

One reason many former MPs don’t go home is because they know nobody has anything nice to say about them. You can change this for good. Just do the right things, the right way.

A New Legislature, But Will It Be the Same Old Circus?

As we prepare to bid farewell to the last batch of honourables, we can only hope this new parliament will break the cycle of mediocrity.

Will you focus on real issues, or will we get another five years of political slapstick? Will you draft meaningful laws, or will you just stand up to deliver long-winded monologues with no practical solutions?

The choice is yours, honourables.

But be warned that the audience is tired, and the taxpayers are watching. Don’t turn this into another season of wasted opportunities. Do better, or prepare to be remembered as just another cast member in Namibia’s longest-running tragicomedy.