Big Brother Africa: Almost sex … and sex lies and conspiracy theories …

DRAMA, capital D drama, in the house.

Jeff allegedly klapped Ofunneka one in the heat of the moment. Shem! Didn’t see it myself, but it seems housemates have avoided a Justice pimp-my-molehill moment! But first, Big Brother’s on my case.S’true! I’m living in fear of being the first BBA viewer to be sent to the Sin Bin.I have to apologise to Barbie.Apparently I did her a grave injustice in my last column – by referring to foetal Malawian housemate Code as “prime Barbie”.The marketers of every little girl’s dream doll have told me in no uncertain terms that Barbie has more substance than C.O.D.E.Full Stop.And have pointed out that Code is no doll! They haven’t threatened me, or asked what my age is in relation to Barbie – ya’know, whether I’m old enough to be saying what I say.Nor have they threatened to set the Barbie youth legion (or is it the leagues of youthful Barbie supporters?) on me.Just a GENTLE warning …they said.And while on warnings, there’s one more thing I need to get off my chest – even though my chest is not as substantial as Meryl’s – in the interest of transparency (and I’m not talking shower hour here!) Some big brothers out there have cautioned me to “clarify” my use of house, when I talk about ‘the house’.They “indicated” it would be in my best interest, Meryl’s interest, inter-regional interest, Big Brother’s interest, the national interest …Yip, peeps.Better believe it! Just a caution …But IF I didn’t …So, BBA peeps, what I have to unconfuse you about is that when I write about the house and Big Brother, I’m writing about the house of revue and not the House of Review! From now on I will ONLY use ‘house’ (NO capital H, but a lowercase h, i.e.not House).I have a feeling that the smell of napalm in the morning would be sweet compared to facing the wrath of Johnny ‘the Gag’.DEAD MAN WALKING? Now on to the really SERIOUS business of the week.Who should be evicted.Kenyan Jeff or Ugandan Maureen? Deal or no deal.Real or surreal? Is Jeff a dead man walking? Is Maureen set to star in ‘Finding Nemo – The Sequel’? Heck, who knows? In fact, who cares? Except you kind of get used to them all and, boring or not, some piece of the dynamic goes with them.But that’s the name of the game.Jeff, aka ‘the Conspiracy Master’, survived the noose last week.Can he do it again? Should he do it again? Is there a funk master waiting to emerge, or will it take affirmative action to bring out his freak? Well, Maureen HAS been freaking! Over Code, who’s cheaper than a fake Rolex.Or as one SMS message on the BBA streaming strip said this week: “Code, you behave like a saloon girl.”Sure hope I don’t have the saloon girls’ union all over me now.Anyway, back to Maureen.Since Code spun her the ‘RESPECT but no canoodling’ line after a kiss or two, the girl seems to have gritted up her ditsy – at least by a blonde hair’s width or two.She has even had Code almost tripping over his ego a couple of times, with some almost exasperated retorts like, “Oooooh Code, you so really love yourself don’t you.”And Code? Having kept his distance for all of three hours or so, now keeps returning to the Ugandan woman faster than a boomerang on steroids.It would be oh so SWEET if she’s actually come to her senses and is playing him.It would be feel-good sweet.Sweet revenge good.So it’s Maureen or Jeff.Take your pick! The choice is yours.GOSSIP IN THE PENTHOUSE Cometh the penthouse, cometh Lerato.The ghetto-wise South African seems to be the housemate of choice when it comes to the Head of House picking a partner to overnight in luxury.First Meryl, now Bertha.But what a difference from last week! Last week it was riot girls stuff.This week it was the ‘lady’ and the shebeen rocker: kind of Whitney fused with Whoopi knocking it out (and knocking it back), while straight-laced Condi Rice did the nice.What a contrast.It was a hoot to see Lerato in her undies, the umpteenth glass of wine in hand rocking to Whitney, while Bertha lay propped up in bed with a tin of fruit juice.The gossip was juicy.And one of the most SHOCKING titbits to come out of the house was revealed.TRULY shocking.Bertha has a little bit of a thing for Code.I’m still struggling to absorb this information.GIRLLLLL.My shock absorbers have gone into overdrive.Another time.That man is so shallow that not even the radar screen picks him up.And he’s more miserly with the truth than Scrooge.Anyway, L and B also discussed Meryl and Kwaku.Seems neither fully buy the smooth Ghanaian’s well, smooth.Both “fear” our girl has become too attached to the K man.As for me, I have a different take.I agree with Bernice Arie from Dordabis who thinks Meryl is way too attached to Kwaku’s dressing gown.Get if off girl, and get your groove on.GANGSTA JEFF Biggie’s gangsta task this week brought out the gangsta in housemates, with the Villains and the Brotherhood fighting for ‘The Ring of Power’.Jeff, who had the ring, ended up being pursued by Ofunneka and Code.In the rough and tumble of the moment, Offie is said to have tickled Jeff (some say in a not so innocent place!) as they all landed in a heap on the floor, and Jeff lashed out.The Nigerian took a healthy slap to the face from his flailing arms.The eternally offended Offie upped the offended stakes, demanding an apology.Oooh, and can that righteous sister holy-roller her all-too-rare break-out moments.It was like the prelude to the second coming.Anyway, all that came in the end was apologies all round.No Justice, no debate! Otherwise, the hormones in the house are as rampant as the running of the bulls at Pamplona! Max and Lerato, Meryl and Kwaku, Richard and Tatiana …Code and Code …Watch this space.Shem! Didn’t see it myself, but it seems housemates have avoided a Justice pimp-my-molehill moment! But first, Big Brother’s on my case.S’true! I’m living in fear of being the first BBA viewer to be sent to the Sin Bin.I have to apologise to Barbie.Apparently I did her a grave injustice in my last column – by referring to foetal Malawian housemate Code as “prime Barbie”.The marketers of every little girl’s dream doll have told me in no uncertain terms that Barbie has more substance than C.O.D.E.Full Stop.And have pointed out that Code is no doll! They haven’t threatened me, or asked what my age is in relation to Barbie – ya’know, whether I’m old enough to be saying what I say.Nor have they threatened to set the Barbie youth legion (or is it the leagues of youthful Barbie supporters?) on me.Just a GENTLE warning …they said.And while on warnings, there’s one more thing I need to get off my chest – even though my chest is not as substantial as Meryl’s – in the interest of transparency (and I’m not talking shower hour here!) Some big brothers out there have cautioned me to “clarify” my use of house, when I talk about ‘the house’.They “indicated” it would be in my best interest, Meryl’s interest, inter-regional interest, Big Brother’s interest, the national interest …Yip, peeps.Better believe it! Just a caution …But IF I didn’t …So, BBA peeps, what I have to unconfuse you about is that when I write about the house and Big Brother, I’m writing about the house of revue and not the House of Review! From now on I will ONLY use ‘house’ (NO capital H, but a lowercase h, i.e.not House).I have a feeling that the smell of napalm in the morning would be sweet compared to facing the wrath of Johnny ‘the Gag’.DEAD MAN WALKING? Now on to the really SERIOUS business of the week.Who should be evicted.Kenyan Jeff or Ugandan Maureen? Deal or no deal.Real or surreal? Is Jeff a dead man walking? Is Maureen set to star in ‘Finding Nemo – The Sequel’? Heck, who knows? In fact, who cares? Except you kind of get used to them all and, boring or not, some piece of the dynamic goes with them.But that’s the name of the game.Jeff, aka ‘the Conspiracy Master’, survived the noose last week.Can he do it again? Should he do it again? Is there a funk master waiting to emerge, or will it take affirmative action to bring out his freak? Well, Maureen HAS been freaking! Over Code, who’s cheaper than a fake Rolex.Or as one SMS message on the BBA streaming strip said this week: “Code, you behave like a saloon girl.”Sure hope I don’t have the saloon girls’ union all over me now.Anyway, back to Maureen.Since Code spun her the ‘RESPECT but no canoodling’ line after a kiss or two, the girl seems to have gritted up her ditsy – at least by a blonde hair’s width or two.She has even had Code almost tripping over his ego a couple of times, with some almost exasperated retorts like, “Oooooh Code, you so really love yourself don’t you.”And Code? Having kept his distance for all of three hours or so, now keeps returning to the Ugandan woman faster than a boomerang on steroids.It would be oh so SWEET if she’s actually come to her senses and is playing him.It would be feel-good sweet.Sweet revenge good.So it’s Maureen or Jeff.Take your pick! The choice is yours.GOSSIP IN THE PENTHOUSE Cometh the penthouse, cometh Lerato.The ghetto-wise South African seems to be the housemate of choice when it comes to the Head of House picking a partner to overnight in luxury.First Meryl, now Bertha.But what a difference from last week! Last week it was riot girls stuff.This week it was the ‘lady’ and the shebeen rocker: kind of Whitney fused with Whoopi knocking it out (and knocking it back), while straight-laced Condi Rice did the nice.What a contrast.It was a hoot to see Lerato in her undies, the umpteenth glass of wine in hand rocking to Whitney, while Bertha lay propped up in bed with a tin of fruit juice.The gossip was juicy.And one of the most SHOCKING titbits to come out of the house was revealed.TRULY shocking.Bertha has a little bit of a thing for Code.I’m still struggling to absorb this information.GIRLLLLL.My shock absorbers have gone into overdrive.Another time.That man is so shallow that not even the radar screen picks him up.And he’s more miserly with the truth than Scrooge.Anyway, L and B also discussed Meryl and Kwaku.Seems neither fully buy the smooth Ghanaian’s well, smooth.Both “fear” our girl has become too attached to the K man.As for me, I have a different take.I agree with Bernice Arie from Dordabis who thinks Meryl is way too attached to Kwaku’s dressing gown.Get if off girl, and get your groove on.GANGSTA JEFF Biggie’s gangsta task this week brought out the gangsta in housemates, with the Villains and the Brotherhood fighting for ‘The Ring of Power’.Jeff, who had the ring, ended up being pursued by Ofunneka and Code.In the rough and tumble of the moment, Offie is said to have tickled Jeff (some say in a not so innocent place!) as they all landed in a heap on the floor, and Jeff lashed out.The Nigerian took a healthy slap to the face from his flailing arms.The eternally offended Offie upped the offended stakes, demanding an apology.Oooh, and can that righteous sister holy-roller her all-too-rare break-out moments.It was like the prelude to the second coming.Anyway, all that came in the end was apologies all round.No Justice, no debate! Otherwise, the hormones in the house are as rampant as the running of the bulls at Pamplona! Max and Lerato, Meryl and Kwaku, Richard and Tatiana …Code and Code …Watch this space.