Big Brother Africa: Let them eat minnow!

FORGET the ‘Fast and the Furious’. We now have the Slow and the Spurious.

The last human life form has left the BBA house. With the crowd outside baying for Bertha’s blood, it was gung-ho Lerato who had to step out on Sunday night.And she was ever Lerato.Loads of Soweto attitude, her six-gun smoking, Sydney Bristow with a bazooka tongue.Unrepentant? Not a chance! Maureen? KB: Why do you call the other child a mosquito? Lerato: Not mosquito …I said she had the personality of a spatula! And, yeah, Africa, the yolk’s on you.Well, those of you who voted Lerato out – to borrow from one of Africa’s most verbally robust leaders: Keep your egg lifter and let me keep my loud and proud riot girls! Hella, what were you thinking? Can only think that those who voted Lerato out weren’t! Nigeria I can understand.They have this perpetual arm wrestling thing with South Africa over which country is Africa’s superpower.Botswana? That’s up for debate! Malawi and Uganda I don’t get, given the tensions between Maureen, Code and Bertha.Take me to your leaders! Zimbabwe was always going to vote for Bertha, aka B, despite friends talking about mass confusion over the ever-morphing B.Angola – we all remember our neighbours voting their own girl Bruna out of BBA1 by accident! Woteva! The die has been cast.And when I say die, I mean die.They say people get the governments they deserve, but some of us have now been landed with housemates we don’t deserve.Let them eat minnow.I’m up for sushi with Lerato! BULLY FOR US! Namibia, South Africa, Ghana, Kenya and Zambia! Props.Our respective countries’ ratings on gender issues have soared! Will the relevant African authorities please take note and factor in our points on the next continent-wide gender barometer.We are the countries that support strong women.Aluta continua! I mean, I really don’t buy this bully-bossy crapola.If you’re a man with views, you’re a leader; if you’re a woman with views, you’re bossy! Did a quick check on the house after the SA-US World Cup rugby match on Sunday.Sjoe! It was like watching dead people defrosting.There was Code picking at his guitar strings – with less fervour, I should add, than Maureen picks at his face – and Mo herself blah-blahing on the bed.Nekka was doubtless in the kitchen scraping plates or banging pots – heard some clanging in the background; no sign of Richiana or Kwaku and Bertha.R.I.V.E.T.I.N.G.I’m so quivering with excitement …NENNA, NENNA En, slat my dood met ‘n pap snoek.Sharleen Surtie-Richards – the bosom of Africa, Nenna in ‘Egoli’ – pops up in the pre-eviction interviews to bestow her soap-bubble blessing on an extramarital affair.”Aaaaaaai, Richard and Tatiana’s love story is soooo beautiful.”Etseeeee!! Sharleen? You forget to leave your Nenna on the set, or what? Can only think that given her marathon stint on SA’s longest-running soapie, she can’t tell her Nenna from her Sharleen.Ya’know, can’t divorce reality from pulp fiction! Though Nenna, ag, I mean, Sharleen, seems quite happy to turn a dead snoek’s eye to divorce: now a possibility in Richard’s real world.Mamma se liefde en alles.But Sharleen, darlin’!! Nee, ai tog, nee.Not love actually, adultery actually.I know Richard’s lekker poenankies and all, still …Djy wiet.Dis net nie reg nie, Antie.Gekekkel en al.Haai! It’s like sanctioning a snuff movie on marriage.’LOST’ Anyway, back to the here and now, unless Biggie’s got some more unexpected twists up his sleeve, the next month and a half is likely to be as exciting as ……………………….(fill in your own comparison).As for me, I’m exploring the possibility of establishing an isolated convent high in the Himalayas.Maybe I’ll find Biggie there.But have this strange feeling he’s joined the cast of ‘Lost’ …* Catch BBA2 on Channel 198, DStv.With the crowd outside baying for Bertha’s blood, it was gung-ho Lerato who had to step out on Sunday night.And she was ever Lerato.Loads of Soweto attitude, her six-gun smoking, Sydney Bristow with a bazooka tongue.Unrepentant? Not a chance! Maureen? KB: Why do you call the other child a mosquito? Lerato: Not mosquito …I said she had the personality of a spatula! And, yeah, Africa, the yolk’s on you.Well, those of you who voted Lerato out – to borrow from one of Africa’s most verbally robust leaders: Keep your egg lifter and let me keep my loud and proud riot girls! Hella, what were you thinking? Can only think that those who voted Lerato out weren’t! Nigeria I can understand.They have this perpetual arm wrestling thing with South Africa over which country is Africa’s superpower.Botswana? That’s up for debate! Malawi and Uganda I don’t get, given the tensions between Maureen, Code and Bertha.Take me to your leaders! Zimbabwe was always going to vote for Bertha, aka B, despite friends talking about mass confusion over the ever-morphing B.Angola – we all remember our neighbours voting their own girl Bruna out of BBA1 by accident! Woteva! The die has been cast.And when I say die, I mean die.They say people get the governments they deserve, but some of us have now been landed with housemates we don’t deserve.Let them eat minnow.I’m up for sushi with Lerato! BULLY FOR US! Namibia, South Africa, Ghana, Kenya and Zambia! Props.Our respective countries’ ratings on gender issues have soared! Will the relevant African authorities please take note and factor in our points on the next continent-wide gender barometer.We are the countries that support strong women.Aluta continua! I mean, I really don’t buy this bully-bossy crapola.If you’re a man with views, you’re a leader; if you’re a woman with views, you’re bossy! Did a quick check on the house after the SA-US World Cup rugby match on Sunday.Sjoe! It was like watching dead people defrosting.There was Code picking at his guitar strings – with less fervour, I should add, than Maureen picks at his face – and Mo herself blah-blahing on the bed.Nekka was doubtless in the kitchen scraping plates or banging pots – heard some clanging in the background; no sign of Richiana or Kwaku and Bertha.R.I.V.E.T.I.N.G.I’m so quivering with excitement …NENNA, NENNA En, slat my dood met ‘n pap snoek.Sharleen Surtie-Richards – the bosom of Africa, Nenna in ‘Egoli’ – pops up in the pre-eviction interviews to bestow her soap-bubble blessing on an extramarital affair.”Aaaaaaai, Richard and Tatiana’s love story is soooo beautiful.”Etseeeee!! Sharleen? You forget to leave your Nenna on the set, or what? Can only think that given her marathon stint on SA’s longest-running soapie, she can’t tell her Nenna from her Sharleen.Ya’know, can’t divorce reality from pulp fiction! Though Nenna, ag, I mean, Sharleen, seems quite happy to turn a dead snoek’s eye to divorce: now a possibility in Richard’s real world.Mamma se liefde en alles.But Sharleen, darlin’!! Nee, ai tog, nee.Not love actually, adultery actually.I know Richard’s lekker poenankies and all, still …Djy wiet.Dis net nie reg nie, Antie.Gekekkel en al.Haai! It’s like sanctioning a snuff movie on marriage.’LOST’ Anyway, back to the here and now, unless Biggie’s got some more unexpected twists up his sleeve, the next month and a half is likely to be as exciting as ……………………….(fill in your own comparison).As for me, I’m exploring the possibility of establishing an isolated convent high in the Himalayas.Maybe I’ll find Biggie there.But have this strange feeling he’s joined the cast of ‘Lost’ …* Catch BBA2 on Channel 198, DStv.