Can men change?

• SASKIA BREUER“BEING male is a matter of birth, and being a man, you have to step up everything, to be responsible for everything that happens in your life”.

Steve has been married for 13 years, and has two children. He stayed in the southern part of Namibia before moving to Windhoek in 2008. An engineer by profession, Steve studied outside Windhoek. In his past life experience, Steve had a habit of drinking occasionally on weekends, at parties or weddings.

However, the drinking habit grew, and he drank more frequently. He started physically abusing his wife on different occasions, especially when he came home drunk.

For many years, the couple spent their lives fighting over many and petty issues. They could not solve their problems, and had no idea how to do it. There was too much pride in Steve so that he did not see anything wrong with what he was doing.

“I did not pay attention to the needs of my wife and children,” Steve admitted. He was unaware that what he was doing was hurting the family.

The couple went through their first divorce attempt, but later reconciled. But the relationship got worse, and they soon started physically fighting again. She got a restraining order against him, and Steve was not able to see his children for a long time.

Gender-Based Violence Investigation Unite social worker Charlene Umurerwa said in most cases during counseling sessions, men justify their wife-beating by saying: “I beat her because she does not respect me”.

She added that according to these men, this is “the only way they feel they can show emotions.”

Nevertheless, there have been positive developments.

“More men have come here saying ‘before I start to beat her, I want to seek counselling with you’,” the social worker said.

Counselling helped Steve and his wife to understand what was going on in their lives, but they did not change their behaviour immediately.

While Steve cut down on his bad habits, it did not take long before he relapsed, and their problems began again.

He loved his wife so much that he reconciled with her again after their youngest daughter was born.

Through attending a conference at one of the church services, Steve started to reflect on good things.

“At the church service, it was my first time to see my children in three months, and there was hope that something could happen between my wife and me,” he exclaimed happily.

Attending the conference changed Steve’s life. It was a long process for both of them. Through the church, they got help to reconcile. He realised that a lot of men went through similar situations.

“I learnt that maturity comes with a set of responsibilities, and even now I am learning a lot through attending meetings at men’s groups,” he noted.

Steve emphasised that it is very important to do everything as a family. He encouraged men to be involved in their family affairs.

“A man has to guide the family, stepping up everything in order for the family to move forward, changing their behaviour and looking after the family’s needs and also identify what a father and a husband is. As a man, you have to see what other men have done.”

After getting help, Steve started respecting and appreciating his wife. They have built a strong bond based on their love for each other.

He advises that men should spend more time and efforts with their families. “Being a man is a learning process. Someone has to grow as a father and husband, and implement the things that he has learnt.”

Today, Steve’s wish is to bring the best out of his wife: to reach full potential in everything she does, and doing the same for his children and be able leave a legacy.

His final advice to men is not to be found at the wrong places with wrong people.

Men do not easily open up. Regain Trust was thrilled to interview Steve. We would encourage all men to speak out on their marital problems in order to get help before it is too late.