Dat Ass…Odile Muller!

For many Namibian women, seeing Odile Muller’s ass has been thoroughly traumatising. Faced with its pert perfection harking back to what her husband jokingly calls her ‘Nama roots’, many of us willingly gave up our right to walk the streets in anything tighter than a circus tent in the precise moment in which Odile turned her back to us on the ‘Anima’ stage…

And everyone promised to careen to confession come morning.

For those of you who haven’t born witness to her hallowed hindquarters, I’m here to tell you that they are amazing, they are awe-inspiring and that night, they shrunk our increasingly bashful buttocks to a pinpoint…

So now we women wear maxi skirts.

Clearly scorned by the glutes gods and prone to weeping whenever Sir Mix- A-Lot’s ‘I Like Big Butts’ finds its way over the airwaves inspiring nothing less than tears, riots and razor blades, the most resilient among us are only just getting over the trauma and quietly contemplating a return to skinny jeans.

Naturally, because my ample badonkadonk is one of the few things I have going for me (and I have only just realised I am playing little league), I do what any sane woman would do and I email the former Miss Namibia with a query so unhinged it includes the exclamation “CONGRATUBOOTYLATIONS!”

I am asking to know what, I am asking to know why, I am asking to know how she can be so petite in the north and so ‘KAPOW!’ in the south and I am asking to know before I say “bugger it all” and eat a thousand pieces of chocolate cake and next I know Oprah is cutting me out of my house with the jaws of life.

Clearly, having dealt with the fanny furious before, Odile replies with the kind of charm only a woman with an ass like dat can posses and tells me her secret is squats.

“As strange as this sounds, I love to squat,” she says in a way that makes me feel like I may not be the lone maniac between us.

“I always had a love hate relationship with ‘her’ until I discovered squat lunges. It’s the best thing for her.”

As Odile is now talking about her derriere in the third person, I know that the three of us could be fast friends. And because beauty queens can’t do a bleeding thing without thanking the people who made it all possible, Odile thanks her gene pool and admits that she does come from a family particularly blessed in that area.

As for how much members of the Association for the Appreciation of Odile’s Ass will have to starve themselves to look anything like our muse, the answer is not at all.

Odile admits to eating six small meals a day which are all very healthy and fruit, vegetable and whole grain-based during the week with one cheat day in which she will stuff her face like the rest of us. In moderation.

Okay, so not like the rest of us.

In terms of a magic elixir… green tea.

“I live on green tea because of its awesome weight loss powers and instead of fruit juices and fizzy drinks, I stick to water,” says Odile. “However, my main secret is to love your shape, no matter what – and after this ‘Anima’ experience, I must say that I am smitten by her.”

As are we, Odile, as are we.

So those are the facts.

You wanna have straight women questioning their sexuality while grown men weep into their Jack Daniels despite searing stink eyes from the wench they call wife next to them?

Then squat yourself to hell, stop eating in fear of famine and drown yourself in green tea.

Yes, for many of us, the road will be long and filled with padded panties but we shall prevail.

Healthier, happier and more bootylicious than before.

Odile.

We thank you.

Even while secretly wishing we could drop you down a dark hole where no one we even remotely fancy can ever see you again.

Because damn, girl!!!

@marth__vader on Twitter