Fighting cycle of gender-based violence

• CONSTANCE MUPARADZI and JESSICA BROWNWE have been sitting in the office for nearly 30 minutes. This is the second time Alice has popped in to see us.

A short, medium-built woman in her thirties, she relates to me about her fight against gender-based violence. At this time, both of us are relaxed, and Alice has decided she wants to share her ordeal.

Alice was born in the southern part of Namibia, and grew up in Windhoek. Fourteen years ago, she started a family, never thinking that she would suffer abuse in her marriage. Ten years down the line, the happy marriage turned into a nightmare of verbal and financial abuse.

“Most of the time, I kept quiet to calm the situation when he picked a quarrel with me. Financially, I suffered a lot. My husband would go with his money, and leave me with nothing. He had many relationships, and his other women would come and insult me at our home.

“He would return home broke after spending his money recklessly. He would tell me how useless I was, and how much better other women were. I stopped taking care of myself. I stopped bathing regularly, cleaning my house, and even stopped visiting my close friends,” she lamented.

Alice had experienced a cycle of abuse. She grew up with an abusive stepmother, and she was exposed to abuse at a tender age.

She vowed that when she grew up, she would be happily married and have children of her own. However, fate was much harsher on her as she suffered even in her role as a mother, stuck between her children and her abusive husband.

Alice got tired of living with someone who always asked for forgiveness every time he abused her, but yet soon repeated his bad behaviour.

“When I told him that I wanted to leave him, he did not accept my decision. He was happy if I stayed with him because he would see me as a useless woman, and continue abusing me.”

Alice received no support from her community. “The community encourages that kind of behaviour. Most women used to tell me that I was lucky because my husband always apologised for his errant behaviour; some even suggested that maybe I was the problem.

“For all these years that I have been abused, I never said anything to my mother or my mother-in-law. My mother-in-law used to take her son’s side, and did not understand what I was going through.”

Eventually, Alice decided she had had enough. After 14 years of marriage, she approached her extended family and told them that she had made her decision to end the marriage and leave her husband.

Sadly, the cycle of abuse has a tendency to repeat itself. According to the US Department of Health and Social Service, a third of people who were brought up in abusive or neglectful homes end up in abusive adult relationships. Alice had been in abusive relationships for a bigger part of her life.

She was a victim of the culture of silence, which silences victims of abuse. Many victims have grown up being told that what happens in marriage is a private matter, and that it is a husband’s right to mistreat his wife.

After 14 years of abuse, Alice had been diagnosed with depression, and has suffered a stroke. She said that she felt her heart was broken when she thought about the heavy burdens of her life.

However, Alice has picked herself up from the lows of her struggles, and has started afresh. Today, she is a hard working woman who takes on any work that comes her way to ensure her independence.

Alice is proud of her progress, “I have learnt to speak out after gaining confidence at REGAIN Trust and my church. I encourage all families to teach boys to grow up being responsible. Men should be taught how to take good care of their families. Nowadays, both men and women do not know the importance of families.

We have to know who we are, and what our roles as women and men are.”

If you want to help us to stop violence, reach out to REGAIN or other Namibian NGOs for volunteering work, or to donate in kind.

Please report to the police or the ministry of gender equality if you have been abused, or if you feel somebody else is in need.