I don’t have the courage to say my name. I know I’m a coward, but I’ve learned that bullies are cowards too.
I want to share my story as part of the 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence initiative, in the hopes that it might prevent another tragedy like the one I caused.
I am a 57-year-old man who spent 25 years in prison for brutally killing my wife.
We were married for five years, but had been together for 10.
We had three beautiful children, but all of that ended in one horrible act of violence that shattered everything.
It started one fateful day after a drinking binge.
I came home to find my wife wasn’t there.
I asked our children, but they didn’t know where she was either.
So, I waited. When she eventually came back, I was already angry, looking for an excuse to lash out.
As usual, I emotionally and physically abused her.
No one spoke up – no one, not my friends or family.
They all knew, but allowed it to happen. I had normalised this behaviour.
I felt entitled to beat her whenever I saw fit.
I grew up watching my father abuse my mother.
I remember how she tried to leave him three times. Each time, her family brought her back.
The strange thing is, I grew up hating my father for what he did to her but as soon as I had a girlfriend, I became just like him.
I became abusive toward every woman I was with.
On the day I killed my wife, I thought I was doing what I had always done – beating her, like I had done countless times before.
But this time, she fought back. She grabbed a knife to defend herself… My ego couldn’t take it.
I thought: ‘Who does she think she is to challenge me?’
I went to the bedroom, grabbed a gun, and in that moment, everything went blank.
The next day, I found out I had shot and killed her, while our children were in the house.
I spent 25 years in prison reflecting on what I did. I became consumed by guilt, wondering: ‘Who was I? What kind of monster had I become?’
I tried to reconnect with my children, to apologise, but they were too young to understand at the time.
Now, as adults in their 30s, they still despise me.
Looking back, I realise this tragedy could have been avoided.
If only my friends had held me accountable the first time I abused a girlfriend, maybe something would have clicked in me to stop. But no one did. No one said anything, and I normalised the violence.
This is why I’m speaking out now: if you see a man abusing his wife or children, please speak up.
Hold him accountable.
Tell him it’s unacceptable, and if necessary, involve the police – even if his wife says no.
You may think it’s none of your business, but it is.
I killed the mother of my children.
They had to grow up without her, without the love and care she should have been able to give them.
They will never get her back.
I know I don’t deserve forgiveness, and I accept that I will die without reconciling with my children.
The guilt of what I’ve done is a punishment I live with every day. It’s worse than the 25 years I spent in prison, worse than the stares and judgement of society. Perhaps that is the punishment I truly deserve.
To young boys and men out there, please listen to me: Violence is never the solution. Nothing good comes from it.
If you have anger or jealousy issues, seek help.
If, like me, you’re dealing with childhood trauma, face it.
Don’t let yourself become the person you hate. Seek therapy. Break the cycle.
To everyone else, please don’t just watch. Intervene. It’s not just the victim who suffers – it’s the whole family.
It’s the children who will grow up without their parents, and it’s the perpetrators who will live with the guilt for the rest of their lives.
I hope my story helps someone out there.
Please, if you see violence happening, don’t look away. Stand up, speak out and intervene. It could save a life.
Say yes to ending gender-based violence.
For support, please reach out:
- GBV national toll free helpline: 106
- Lifeline/Childline Namibia toll free helpline: 116
*The story was shared by a former inmate who prefers to remain anonymous as part of the 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence initiative. It is published as part of a collaboration between the United Nations, The Namibian, Desert Radio 95.3 FM, NFA, and Namdeb. The interview was conducted by Errolice Tjipura, a partnerships and development finance specialist at the United Nations.
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