It’s Been Good

The year 2024 was a pretty emotional one for me. I turned 20-something for the last time, made many creative breakthroughs, leaned more into my spirituality, felt like a person for the first time ever, bought some of my first-ever furniture, accepted some truths about myself, stayed in hospital for four days and ate more oysters than any year before.

Also, I think I fell in love but I’m not sure. I’m still processing that and pretending it didn’t happen, so we won’t get into it.

Now that I’m approaching 30, literally anything can make me cry. If I see a photo of an actor from 10 years ago, the thought of time passing brings tears to my eyes. When I see a baby in a pram, I can’t help but remember how sweet the innocence of youth is. When I talk to my mother on the phone, I feel we do not get enough time together.

Has anybody else experienced this? Is it a hormonal thing or am I just losing my mind? I feel like my eyes have been opened to the tragedy of human existence and there is no going back, so now I’m stuck with this awareness and inability to alter the inevitable.

This earth is billions of years old. It existed long before any of us arrived, and it will most likely still be here after we’ve left. Each of us gets just a brief sliver of time to be here. The world is constantly changing; nothing stays the same, nothing is permanent.

Everything is always moving forward, and growing and decaying and dying and being replaced by something new. We are all on this earth right now together, but someone born today will be here with a completely different set of people 60 years from now.

Our time here is fleeting and in the grand scheme of things, each of our lives is so minuscule and seemingly insignificant. When I was younger, that used to terrify and enrage me. I used to think that existence was inherently miserable. I used to think there’s no way humanity was meant to enjoy our time on earth when all that happens is we are born, we have loved ones, our loved ones die or grow old and then die, we grow old and then we die.

It was hard to see it any other way at the time. It took years of soul searching, writing, meditating, loving, losing, dreaming and wishing, to come to a space where I am able to see the joys in simple things.

Now I try to savour and appreciate every little moment I can. I have always been a firm believer in pursuing your passions, but now I am even more steadfast in understanding that.

The fact that life is fleeting is what makes it worth enjoying. The fact that we don’t have forever with our loved ones is what makes our time with them so sweet.

I will be 30 on 30 January 2025. I feel this overwhelming pressure to assess my life and how far I’ve come and make drastic changes so that I can be fitting for such a prestigious age. I feel like I should dress better, make more money, write 10 books, lose 10 kilograms, run a marathon, start a family, move to another country, cut my hair.

Time seems to be moving faster than it ever has. Days melt into weeks which melt into months, and the next thing I know, I’m not in high school anymore, it’s no longer March, and my nephew – who was a baby the last time I checked – is taller than me.

That’s why I find myself so easily brought to tears these days. I feel like I’m holding time in my hands and it’s slipping through my fingers and there’s nothing I can do about it except enjoy each moment as it passes.

Obviously I am grateful to be alive and I appreciate all the things that I have accomplished. I am also excited to be growing older, as it is honestly a privilege to have made it this far.

I think I just need to stop overthinking things and allow my life to unfold as is destined for me.

So my resolutions for the next decade of my life are to just be present, to not spend too much time regretting the past or worrying about the future, to spend more meaningful time with the people I love, to write even more, to swim in the ocean, to eat as much raw salmon and tuna as possible, to be kind, to care about the earth and environment, to dance in the sun as much as possible, to kiss in the rain, to fall in love and to be kind.

– Anne Hambuda is a writer, social commentator and poet. Follow her online or email her at annehambuda@gmail.com for more.