Let’s Not Talk about the Diamonds

There are moments in life when silence isn’t just golden but also diamond-encrusted.

Such is the case with that incident at the Namib Desert Diamond (Namdia) headquarters. You know the one. The event everyone and their grandmothers have an opinion about. But not me. Oh no, I am not about to join this circus of speculation. Not now, not ever.

Why? Because I’m not that kind of person. I value discretion, dignity and, above all, my peace of mind. Which, by the way, has been under siege ever since this story broke.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to scroll through social media without tripping over some half-baked theory about security guards playing Six-Five on their shift or suspiciously shiny briefcases in parking lots?

But since you insist, let me try to explain why I won’t bother with the Namdia diamond heist.

Reason 1: I don’t want to upset my lawyer (who doesn’t exist)

If I were the type to talk about things like this – which, again, I’m not – I imagine my imaginary lawyer would strongly advise against it. I can already hear them saying: “Keep your mouth shut. Loose lips sink ships. Or in this case, expose vaults.”

And I listen to my imaginary lawyer, because they’re very good at their pretend job.

Plus, we all know how these things go. One minute you’re innocently pointing out how the diamonds might’ve been spirited away by a group of petrol-sniffing street children, and the next, you’re the prime suspect on every WhatsApp group in Namibia. No, thanks.

Reason 2: The media has already said too much

You’ve seen the headlines: ‘The Heist: Diamonds of the Namib!’ or ‘The Cursed Diamonds of Namdia!’

I mean, really? The media’s already thrown around more speculation than a high-stakes poker game. And let’s not even get started on the eyewitness accounts, saying “I only saw security company cars rushing and the police came later”. That won’t help anybody.

One person claims to have heard ‘footsteps’ in the Namdia building from their house across the street. Another swears the diamonds were carried out by a a tall dark and handsome man wearing a fake moustache and sunglasses, who said, “Inotila … kuume kandje” (“Don’t be afraid, my friend”), and then continued down the street whistling Ras Sheehama’s tune.

The point is that if I were to say something – which, again, I won’t – I’d simply be adding fuel to an already raging fire of nonsense.

Reason 3: Talking about diamonds is dangerous

Have you ever heard of the Diamond Ghost? Ask anybody who worked at Consolidated Diamond Mines at Oranjemund back in the day and you will realise that nobody talks about diamonds, ever. It is said that all those rumoured to have stolen diamonds have all seen the Diamond Ghost. Diamonds are shiny, right? They attract attention.

And what happens when you talk about something shiny for too long? You attract more attention. Next thing you know, the Diamond Ghost is hovering over you in your sleep, whispering: “Okawe okeli peni, m’kwetu?” (“Where are the diamonds?”)

Do I want to invite that kind of supernatural chaos into my life? Absolutely not. I’m a simple human. I like my mornings quiet, my coffee strong and hot and my nights ghost-free. Talking about diamonds jeopardises my peace.

Reason 4: Everyone’s an expert anyway

Why should I say anything when everyone else already has all the answers? Just yesterday, I overheard a guy at the taxi rank explaining, with absolute certainty, that the diamonds weren’t stolen at all – they simply “teleported” to Dubai. Someone else suggested the culprits tunnelled in from an old colonial underground tunnel that starts at the state mortuary behind Windhoek Central Hospital.

Meanwhile, the internet detectives are working overtime, piecing together blurry screenshots and random Facebook posts. Who am I to interfere with such expert analysis? It’s clear this mystery is in very capable hands. My input isn’t needed.

Reason 5: I don’t want to be a meme

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt in life, it’s that the internet is ruthless. One wrong word, and next thing you know, your face is plastered across a poorly made meme that says: “When you try to talk about the heist but end up confessing instead.”

I’m not ready for that kind of public humiliation. My dignity is all I have left, and I plan to keep it intact. So, no, I won’t be talking about this Namdia mystery. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever.

Reason 6: The walls have ears

You think I don’t know who’s listening or who reads this column? You think I’m just going to casually drop my thoughts on a topic this juicy without considering the consequences? Please! If I’ve learnt anything from spy movies, it’s that the walls have ears, the ceilings have eyes, and even the floors are probably wired with microphones.

And let’s not forget the pigeons. Those shady little creatures are always lurking, cooing innocently while secretly recording everything. Ask yourself why there are so many pigeons hovering over Windhoek since that robbery? Where do they fly to at night? They all sleep at the High Court building. Trust me, something is up with those birds.

In conclusion (not that there’s anything to conclude but…): So, there you have it – or rather, you don’t. Because I haven’t said a single thing about that diamond heist, and I never will. Not because I don’t have thoughts (I might), and not because I don’t have theories (I definitely do), but because some things are better left unsaid.