Modern Family

Troll 1: I don’t want just any phone, Mom. I want that one!Me: Over my dead body, Troll 1. Not even over my living body! That stupid phone cost more than our rent!Troll 1: But Mom…. This one has a dual SIM, it can take up to 400GB on the memory card… and the screen resolution is out of this world!Me: First of all, I don’t know what that means. And secondly, how do you know all that stuff, but can’t wipe your bread crumbs off the kitchen counter?!

That, folks, is my first-born son and I, on any given day, cellphone browsing. I say browsing, because I, the Urban Single Mom, did not suddenly wake up and win the lottery. I browse for shoes I could never afford, and they browse for electronics I could never afford.

Wishful thinking is the backbone of the ‘one day when our ship comes in’ game we play from time to time.

Don’t get me wrong, our proverbial ‘Money Ship’ probably suffered the same fate as the Titanic and will in fact never come in, but for a brief moment or two, dreaming about all the sparkly glittery things we would love to have and hold gives us respite from the hateful glare of our dismal finances.

As an adult, my ‘oohs and ahhs’ generally last just short of a minute, but for The Trolls, wandering around the electronic section of any store takes the equivalent of three lifetimes. Troll 1, a born-free Aquarius child with an innate affinity (and ability, it seems!) to blend seamlessly into this terrifying technological age, is particularly starstruck. Tell him to make his bed and he impersonates a salt statue, but show him the latest gaming console, the fanciest smart watch, the smartest phone, the best headphones, the loudest boom box and the biggest memory card, and unicorn poop comes out of his ears.

Like most things considered ‘important’ in these modern times, I just don’t get it. Yeah, sure. I’m an Aquarius as well, but I am an Aquarius from the 80s.

The early 80s.

I stopped being interested in keeping up with the times when CDs replaced LPs and people started watching movies on their mobile phones.

Selfies? Not for me. My face doesn’t have an angle that makes it look better than what it does normally. Filters are strange. And also… what if people see you in real life and don’t recognise you? I can’t deal with the agony of self-misrepresentation, guys. I’m too old for that. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter? I don’t have something smart to say every day.

WhatsApp? I haven’t been on for years. Because I like to pretend that I didn’t read your texts even when I do and WhatsApp takes that away from me, we don’t hang.

I’m cool with face-to-face conversations, phones that fall and don’t break and old school grooves. I’m cool with actually laughing out loud, not just typing it.

But not this year, The Trolls insist. This year they are dragging me by all my parts and ushering me into the technological age.

Expect weird-looking selfies and wacky sentiments expressed on social media platforms.

It’s out with the old and in with the new.