‘Rape doesn’t exist in marriage’

Dienda told The Namibian yesterday that she was taught about sex in marriage by lawyers and pastors before she got married.“You are grouped with a social worker, priests and lawyers to give you an induction on marriage, and one of the things [they advise is] not to deny your husband or your spouse that right [to have sex], because if you do, he will look for it outside your marriage and it will be you to be blamed,” she said. She further explained that only married people will understand what is going on. This comes after Dienda was called out by Swapo backbencher Patience Masua on Tuesday during a debate on the combating of rape bill.RAPE OR RIGHT?Dienda had responded to a point raised by the minister of home affairs, immigration, safety and security Albert Kawana, who asked whether there would be a conviction if boyfriends and girlfriends, or husbands and wives, claim rape when there is no semen and bodily fluids as part of the court evidence.The PDM legislator said she does not support husbands and wives claiming rape in marriage.“I'm talking about husbands and wives, not boyfriends and girlfriends. For those of us who said I do, when we said I do, we were told in sickness and in [health]. You are told you cannot deny your partner his right,” she said.Masua then jumped up, fuming: “It's very disheartening that someone in this house, on an issue so important such as rape, would say that a husband cannot deny his wife. “That is using the parliament to sanction rape and that is making a mockery of rape victims who have been raped by their husbands and wives. We cannot do that and we cannot laugh about it. Husbands can still rape [their wives].”Dienda said yesterday: “You have to accommodate each other. It is not about you anymore, it is about the other person. I mean why must I deny my husband his right. It is his right. He has needs. I have needs. Why must we deny each other? You might not be in the mood and over time you will understand each other. But to say it is rape within my marriage? I mean, which husband will accept that?”She, therefore, believes that this is the reason why divorce is prevalent in young marriages.“Because they don't respect their marriage and the responsibility in the marriage. We must be careful with our law. These laws cannot be the reason our marriages don't last because which men in the marriage would say you are being accused of rape because it is an impulse for him,” she added. RIGHT TO SAY NO The Legal Assistance Centre coordinator of the gender research and advocacy project Dianne Hubbard said legally no spouse is allowed to rape in a marriage.“You have the right to say no on any specific occasion and nobody has the right to force themselves on you, but if you eliminate the intimate element in the marriage all together, the other spouse, if they want to, can sue for divorce because this is part of a legal term called a consortium of marriage,” she said.Hubbard explained that the current Combating of Rape Act states that no marriage or other relationship shall constitute a defence to a charge of rape.“If the husband or wife forces the other spouse to do a sexual act with them, that's rape. If they use any coercion or not just physical force, you can't say it wasn't rape,” she added. Gender and child protection specialist Veronica Theron said spousal rape is not as common as incest and child rape. However, it is prevalent enough to raise concerns, “especially in estranged couples where they are separated, or divorce is pending, or the stage where they still stay in a common home or the spouse has access to minor children”. Theron further explained that it is difficult to lay criminal charges against your husband or ex-husband or the father of your children or the breadwinner because they do not want to hurt the feelings of their children. “Defence lawyers can treat cases as malice or ill feelings because of the pending divorce. Rape is the most under-reported crime due to shame, shock, privacy, victim-blaming, etc. Even worse for a married survivor of rape,” she added. She said rape cases generally take long to be finalised because survivors commonly want to move on with their lives, focus more on psychological healing and opt not to deal with the secondary trauma caused by the criminal justice system.EDUCATE ON RAPEHuman rights activist Linda Baumann, two years ago, gave parliamentarians almost a week-long training on bodily autonomy and women's sexual and reproductive rights.Dienda was one of the MPs who refused to attend that workshop. Baumann believes that parliamentarians still do not understand concepts like bodily autonomy and called for workshops on it. Moreover, activist and relationship consultant Ngamane Karuaihe-Upi yesterday fumed at Dienda's remarks, saying it is a blatant lie and the current laws already speak to rape in marriages.“If a woman says my man is forcing me to have sex, that is rape. How could she say rape doesn't take place in a marriage,” he said. Karuaihe-Upi said parliamentarians who agree with Dienda should be educated on rape for better understanding.