The 5 Types of Facebook Taggers

Facebook walls talk. They tell your boss the flu he sent you home for has more to do with the skimpy dress you wore the night before than it does with you catching your death in the taxi ride over.

They announce the fact that your BFF was out for sushi and sangria with a mutual friend and didn’t as much as IM you to find out whether you are alive, dead or in dire need of Omega-3 fatty acids.

And, if they’re really in the mood to tell tales, they inform your girlfriend that your boys’ night involved a pair of big bosomed twins, funneling and some dodgy business with a street walker.

How they talk?

Tagging.

The scourge of social media that elevates the @ sign from an innocuous thing you put in the middle of email addresses to a surefire way to get you busted, fired or revealed as an utter ogre.

With this in mind, we take a moment to elaborate on the different types of taggers.

The incessant individuals who type your name a trillion times a day to thrust you into discussions about memes, event posters and selfies titled “I woke up like this”… while lathered in lipstick, lies and lighting doing zero favours.

If any of these are you, stop.

Now.

Because everyone thinks you’re the worst.

The Spoilers are the kind of Facebookers who will tell you every last detail about the Red Wedding, the end of Titanic and what eventually happens to Anna Karenina. As the self appointed town crier, this person will tag you in every single thing that will spoil a show, a recorded sports game, a film or a novel without a disclaimer or a warning that says they’re about to ruin your life.

This person can also be counted on to post photos of weddings about five minutes after the guests get home from the reception. Replete with bride boozed, bedraggled and looking nothing like the beautiful images that will pale in scandalous comparison a month later.

Tagging you in photos of their new event, album cover or hairdo, The Self-Promoters are a notoriously shameless bunch who believe there is no greater compliment than being tagged in an image that solely serves them.

When tagged by a Self-Promoter, the result is a swift descent into notification hell as their fans scurry to thumbs up, comment and coo over their ‘achievement’ while you hang about in the wings as an unwitting endorser of things like Uncle Ruckus’ All Black Party, Casa Nostra Ninja’s Album Luanch or Vote Candy for New Face of Afghan Fashion Week.

For Whistleblowers, tagging is like a nervous tic. They cannot walk into a restaurant, down a shot or watch you pee on yourself in a drunken stupor without taking to social media armed with a photograph, witty status and the inevitable @sign.

Blowing the whistle on all your nightly escapades and revealing your lies and low points to significant others, best friends and bosses, Whistle Blowers mostly mean well but this doesn’t mean that they’re not utter exhibitionists whose life’s work includes landing you in hot water about five times a day.

Destroyers are taggers who look at your perfect cache of selfies, holiday albums and party posts and throw in a monster montage just to shake it up a little. Loaded with photos of you sporting double chins, weird expressions and fat rolls enough to open a bakery, The Destroyers demolish your pristine online image by tagging you in shockingly unflattering photos most commonly characterised by them looking fantastic.

The Destroyers’ disclaimer is usually something along the lines of “What? Seriously? You want me to take it down? But you look so amazing!” while looking at a picture in which they look like Taylor Swift and you look like Taylor Lautner…When he’s a werewolf.

The Monks are the Facebook taggers who never tag people at all. They could have witnessed and photographed you winning the Pulitzer Prize or eating the world’s spiciest chicken wing and they will sit on that photo like uploading it will release the Kraken.

Monks are particularly monkish when the Instagram gods have smiled at you from on high and aligned the sun, moon and stars to make sure your head is tilted at just the right angle, your cleavage looks virginal rather than red light district and your smile is the perfect ratio of teeth and cheeks to render you charming not chipmunk.

Do not tag people in photos they are not in. This is a no-brainer. If someone is left out of a photo, leave them out of the tags.

Do not upload photos and tag people in images depicting special occasions like weddings and 21sts without the host’s permission. Some people only want professional photos of their special day on display.

Do not tag people when they clearly look like Shrek. Lazy eyes, drunken stupors and the like are verboten. Don’t tag, or better still, don’t upload embarrassing or inappropriate pictures. Rule of thumb: Would the person you tagged be okay with their boss, crush, significant other or parents seeing the image? If the answer is no, then… no.